Advice About Aging Parents
I have an interest in advice about aging parents because I am an aging parent and I have an aging parent.
My father died seven years ago; however my mother is alive and well at ninety. All of her children assert that she will outlive all of us.
I wish I had her genes; however I believe I inherited more of my father’s genetic code. As a pastor and teacher, he loved to read, to write, to take classes, to teach classes—all of which are done in a fairly sedentary manner!
My mother, on the other hand, has always been busy and active. At ninety, one of her unfulfilled (so far) desires is to take a ride in a hot air balloon. I hope someone will take her, though it won’t be me.
Her enthusiasm for life into old age does give me much to think about as I grow older. Though my desires don’t exactly match hers, I do have a passion for life-long learning, for travel and adventure, for continuing to earn income, and for increasing both my circle of relationship as well as the depth of relationship with present family and friends.
I do know that the time will come for me to become more involved in my mother’s care. I also want to assist my own children by compiling advice about aging parents as a guide for when they will need to give us that kind of support. There are many issues to confront in caring for aging parents or grandparents. The inevitable future includes aging for all of us.
Advice About Aging Parents Basic Issues
Several difficulties arise as it becomes increasingly clear that an aging parent will soon need help from others. One of those issues is typically raised by the older person who says, "I don't want to be a burden to my children." As a result, your father, mother or grandparent may deny their need for help from others.
If your family member shares this sentiment it will give you an opportunity to initiate dialogue and ask questions about what has been done to insure that he or she won't be dependant on others. Talk to your parents about their wishes.
Ultimately, the best advice about aging parents and your responsibility is to help your parents with whatever their wishes are. Keep the conversation open about how they feel, what they want, what they fear. This will help keep everyone's expectations on the same page and enable all of you to plan for the future.
A second basic issue that will arise is that of shared responsibility for an aging parent. This is almost never an easy conversation among siblings. Usually one sibling lives closer to the parent. Sometimes one or another sibling may have more time or money therefore raising the expectation that they will assume greater responsibility.
Don't allow the needs of an aging parent to erode relationships within the family. Instead try to think lovingly and generously of the care that has been given to you by your parent. Attempt to offer yourself to them in as many ways as possible as your roles now begin to reverse.
First decisions to be made include:
- Who will be the principal caregiver?
- What kinds of involvement or resources do siblings have to offer?
- Which responsibilities can be shared? By whom?
- What methods (phone calls, email, etc.)should family members use to share feelings and information?
Advice About Aging Parents and Financial and Legal Issues
Advice about aging parents and their finanacial and legal issues can be one of the most stressful times for both the parent and their children. For the parent it feels like giving up control; for the children it may raise issues of responsibility (in the case of lack of assets that were assumed to be in place) or of inheritance (in the case of assests that are found to be substantial.)
Again, it is important to remember that decisions need to be make primarily with the best interests of the parent in mind. This is a time to get a notebook or folder that will be dedicated to your parent's legal and financial situation and get answers to:
- What is the person's overall financial situation?
- Is there a list of assets, their value, their locations?
- Is there a private pension? Is it mailed directly to a bank? Which one?
- What is the social security amount? Is it directly deposited? Where?
- Are there other sources of income? Annuities, stocks, interest, IRA's, CD's, safe deposit box?
- What are the debts? Mortgages, car payment?
- Is there a need to apply for SSI, Supplementary Security Income?
- Is medical coverage adequate?
- Is there a prescription plan? Long term care insurance? Medicare? Medicaid?
- Has anyone consulted an eldercare attorney?
- Has the elderly person transferred any assets?
- What is the "time frame" in your state for transferring assets before being qualified for Medicaid?
- Is there a will, a living will, a power of attorney, a durable power of attorney that lasts beyond incapacitation? Where are they kept?
- Is there an insurance policy? Where is it kept?
- Does your parent do any transactions online? Many elderly people are now very computer savvy. If there are passwords and account numbers, what are they?
Advice About Aging Parents Health Issues
Aging and diminished physical capacity almost always go hand in hand. Medical advances have certainly made living longer and better a possibility but the time will come for all of us when who we are on the outside no longer matches who we know we still are on the inside.
One of my favorite pieces of advice about aging parents is a perspective on aging by one of my favorite authors:
"I am still every age that I have been. Because I was once a child, I am always a child. Because I was once a searching adolescent, given to moods and ecstasies, these are still part of me, and always will be... This does not mean that I ought to be trapped or enclosed in any of these ages...the delayed adolescent, the childish adult, but that they are in me to be drawn on; to forget is a form of suicide... Far too many people misunderstand what 'putting away childish things' means, and think that forgetting what it is like to think and feel and touch and smell and taste and see and hear like a three-year-old or a thirteen-year-old or a twenty-three-year-old means being grown up. When I'm with these people I, like the kids, feel that if this is what it means to be a grown-up, then I don't ever want to be one. Instead of which, if I can retain a child's awareness and joy, and 'be' fifty-one, then I will really learn what it means to be grownup." ~Madeleine L'Engle, A Circle Of Quiet
Begin a health-related conversation with your aging parent by finding out the answers to some basic health care questions:
- Has your parent had a recent physical?
- Is there a family doctor? Has a geriatric assessment been done or ordered?
- What medications are being taken? By prescription? Over the counter?
- Ask the pharmacist or doctor if any medications interactions should be avoided. Ask if any meds should not be taken together. Any foods avoided?
Assessing present physical conditions and capabilities is a good starting point for dealing with long term decisions.
Advice About Aging Parents Housing Issues
Our family is fortunate because my parents and my sister and her family bought a home together as my parents entered their "golden years." The house has a large, separate, living area where my mom and dad lived together, and where my mother still lives since my father passed away.
They created an agreement that, in exchange for the investment in the home that will eventually belong solely to my sister and her family, my sister would agree to be the primary caregiver for my parents as they aged. This pre-planning has eliminated many of the stresses that would have had to be dealt with as my father became ill and as they both aged.
Many families are not able to make arrangements in advance of need and housing issues will arise. Some things to consider include:
- What housing options are possible? Can the elderly person live alone?
- What about an assisted living facility?
- Is a nursing facility or a personal care facility needed?
- Is senior housing or shared housing an option?
- Is a life care community feasible?
- Has the person or family any money available for some period of personal pay in a nursing home?
Advice About Aging Parents and Taking Care of Yourself
No advice about aging parents and their care would be complete without advice to care for yourself as well. This is especially important if you are part of what has become known as
"the sandwich generation"
--those who are caring for aging parents while still parenting their own children. Here are some tips and advice about aging parents that will help you avoid emotional and physical overload:
- Regularly take stock of your physical and emotional well being. You may need to schedule a break from care giving. Look into a support group. Just finding others who are struggling with the same issues can be an immense help. They can offer practical advice as well as emotional support.
- Use the help that's available. There are lots of organizations to help people just like you. They might be in your church, or down the street or across town. Contact Seniors, Inc., or the United Way to start learning about all the kinds of help - from in-home care to transportation to assisted living.
- Consider getting a care manager to help. Called case managers or care managers, these are professionals trained in geriatric care. They can provide you with an assessment to determine what kind of help is best, and can go the next step to arrange for that help to be delivered - everything from meal preparation to taking care of the household maintenance to making appointments at the beauty salon.
They will also continue to monitor your parent and the quality of care being provided. Care managers usually charge by the hour. They can be your sounding board, your impartial advisor, your advocate and your personal representative at your relative's side. If your parent lives in a distant city, they're indispensable.
Some Helpful Links to More Advice About Aging Parents
Children of Aging Parents
Caregivers.org
American Association of Retired Persons
Alzheimer's Association
Social Security Administration
Medicare
Veterans Benefits
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